Brothers Three
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| Last week’s blog about my Uncle Bob mentioned a skit that we performed for Dad’s 80th birthday. Several requests came in for the skit, so here goes: |
A skit commemorating Dad’s eightieth birthday – Oct 29, 1993
Narrator: We present for you a three act skit which chronicles the somewhat fictional farming exploits of three brothers, Alfred, Leo and Bob, over the course of one growing season many years ago. The cast includes Luke as Alfred, Dave as Leo, Woody as Bob, and I’m Ann, your narrator helping along the way.
ACT ONE
The scene begins as the threesome enters from off-stage and looks over a broken plow represented by a chair laid on its side on stage. Narrator: The first act takes place in the springtime on Alfred's farm as the threesome try to fix a broken plow.
Bob: Dern it, Alfred, I've told you a hundred times not to hit that big stone. You do it every year and break the goddern plow. Now how are we going to fix this thing?
Leo: Well, Bob, Herb Poeppelman, (the farmer to the north), has the same plow. Maybe we can borrow the part from him.
Alfred: Nah, Leo, I just saw him heading for town a few minutes ago.He'll stop at Bruckens and won't be back all day. Maybe brother Clarence has the part at Streakers.
Bob: I doubt if he's there, cause he probably went home for a nooner! Why don't we take off the broken plow share and use just the one bottom. Alfred: Might as well – like in the ole days of the horse drawn plows.
Leo: (looking up at the sun) Boy, it sure is getting hot! (as Leo begins to take off his shirt) You know, that reminds me of what Pop used to do in the spring while plowing with the horses. In those days he'd put on a pair of long underwear like this in the fall and leave it on all winter, then on the first hot day while plowing, he'd peel off the dirty ole underwear, throw it in the furrow, and plow it under! Bob: No wonder all of us were born in the later part of the year, Mom couldn't stand to be close to Pop until that long underwear was plowed under and he took his annual bath each spring!
Narrator: So that explains everything!
Alfred: Auk, I got to get to plowing, cause Louise and me have to go to a dern Hoying family get-together tonight. (pause) I'll have to listen to the same ole in-law stories over and over again. Like Louise's brother Jerry bitching at the ole chicken farmer, Paul Gaier, (pause) about how many times Dettie would break up with Paul before they were married, and Jerry would have to lug that dern cedar chest back to Paul's place each time they broke up! (pause) Or to hear about how much money all the Hoying's are making, (pause) especially Pat! (pause) He's got more hair-brained ideas to make a buck than anybody I've ever seen! (Pause) Or to hear Clem Aselage complain about Copelands, the weather, the kids and just about everything else. So, I gotta get going! Act one ends as Alfred, moves towards the tractor to begin plowing.
ACT TWO
The brothers are looking over something that could represent a combine)
Narrator: Act Two begins as the brothers are pondering how to get the combine unstuck in the muddy part of the wheat field on Alfred's farm. Bob: Goddern it, Alfred, I told you a thousand times not to drive through that low spot since it rained so dern much.
Alfred: I know, I know ! But I had something on my mind and forgot about it.
Leo: Well, what's the problem?
Alfred: No problem really, but Louise went to the doctor yesterday and found out she's pregnant.
Bob: You ole son-of-a-gun. I didn't know you had any "spit" left in ya!
Alfred: Look whose talking, bachelor Bob!
Leo: (Laughing) ...So Alfred, after Dave, Sara, Ann and Lucy, what do you want, a boy or a girl?
Alfred: Dave wants a brother, so I guess a boy.
Leo: What would you name him?
Alfred: I'm sure Louise would want to name him after another Biblical character, (pause) but personally I'd prefer Alfred, Jr.! That has a nice ring to it,.... don’t you think?
Bob: Well the baby will be born before we get this wheat in if we don't get this sonabitch unstuck!
Leo: Why don't I hook up my Farmall and pull your ole Oliver out. And if that doesn't work, I've got something at home that surely will work, my ole reliable FORD tractor!! (While looking at audience).
Narrator: The audience is reminded that Chrysler does not make tractors, right Leroy?
Alfred: The FORD would surely be better than those funny orange colored Allis Chalmers tractors the Hoyings use! But at least the Hoying's drive good cars. Those FORD's they have are really sharp, especially compared to our piece of junk '59 Chevy. And if I ever trade in my trailer for a truck, it's gonna be a FORD for sure! (pause)
Narrator: This is getting out of hand! The previous segment was in there only because Dave could get a plug in for FORD where he works. What do you say we get back to the combine, which the brothers were able to get unstuck, but had to get Gaier’s Garage to come with their wrecker to finally get it out. No one remembers or cares what kind of truck he used! All Alfred remembers is all the crap Bob and Leo gave him for getting stuck! Meanwhile the scene shifts to the milking parlor later that same day. Alfred is alone and milking a cow (Woody and Dave together impersonate a cow, with Dave the tail-end).
Alfred: (Yelling to a person offstage bouncing a basketball) Darn it, Dave, quit that basketball playing right now and get back here milking! I got a young fresh cow to break in and I need your help. (The basketball continues to bounce)
Narrator: Alfred tries to put milkers on a fresh young cow and the cow is getting the best of him. (Cow repeatedly swings its tail in Alfred's face and tries to kick him (props are a feather duster and a milk bucket).
Alfred: (Disgustedly) Dern cow, quit swinging your tail in my face (as Alfred swats tail away repeatedly, to no avail). Suddenly, the cow kicks Alfred and he goes sprawling on the floor. The bucket tips over and milk flies everywhere. But the basketball keeps bouncing offstage. (Alfred gets up, cusses and kicks the cow back and goes sprawling to the floor again since the floor is wet with milk. At this point the narrator steps in and while helping Alfred to his feet, looks to the audience and says:
Narrator: It's all Dave's fault! (as the basketball continues to bounce offstage)
ACT THREE
(Act Three begins as the brothers are looking over a broken corn picker on Alfred's farm). Narrator: It's now fall, and the brothers are at Alfred's farm and are fixing the corn picker.
Bob: Alfred, I told you a million times to be careful and don't run the corn picker snout into the ground. It's a real chore trying to bend the dern thing back in place (with tools). There, I think I got it back in shape. Now be careful the rest of the day!
Alfred: OK (as he goes offstage pretending to drive a tractor making tractor-like sounds , looking behind him at the picker snouts, adjusting the height carefully.
Leo: I'm sure not looking forward to tonight! Sally's gonna drag me to church services. Bob, you're lucky you're not married. Hell, you go hunting whenever you want, you don't need to pay all those dern bills the kids and Sally run up, and best of all, you don't have to take orders from anybody!
Bob: Well, Leo, I hate to break it to you, but I got a girlfriend I'm getting pretty serious with. I could use your advice, but not like the stuff you just told me.
Leo: (Astonished) You're kidding me! Why in the hell would you do something like that. You got the perfect life. Why ruin it! Who is she anyway? Did you get her pregnant?
Bob: Cliff Meyer's little sister, Carolyn, from Newport. She's a real doozy! And no she's not pregnant -(looking out at the audience) I don't think! I'm gonna ask her to marry me, and I'm curious how you proposed to Sally?
Leo: Hell, I didn't propose to Sally; I had to get permission from old man Enneking, and he was tough as nails. Maybe you can ask Cliff instead and avoid the mushy stuff! Oh Oh, here comes Alfred!( Alfred enters from off stage with a sheepish frown on his face, pretending to drive a tractor)
Narrator: Do you think Alfred is coming back because the wagon is full of corn or because he ran the snout into the ground again? You guessed it!
Bob: (Slowly, with a frustrated and perplexed look) I'll be a monkey's uncle! Twice in one day! Dern it, Alfred. You're going to have to fix this yourself. I'm getting outa here and going squirrel hunting! (Bob stalks off stage)
Leo: Alfred, your timing is absolutely terrible!
Alfred: What do you mean? It wasn't any better yesterday when you ran the snout into the ground at your place. Leo: That's not what I mean. Bob told me while you were gone he wants to get married to Carolyn Meyer, and I sort of poo-pooed the idea. That's really what teed him off, I think.
Alfred: Your kidding. That's Cliff Meyer's little sister, isn't it?
Leo: Yep! And I bet that's where he went instead of squirrel hunting!
Narrator: The plot thickens! Will Bob marry Carolyn? Will Alfred figure out how to straighten the snout without Bob's help? Did Bob really go squirrel hunting? Since we all pretty much know how the story ends, let's close our little skit with this final scene. It's the next week and all is well. It's a beautiful Indian summer day in late October, all the crops have been harvested, and the brothers are just finishing unloading the last of the corn.(The threesome pretends to unload a wagon of corn when a pregnant Louise, played by Lucy, and Sally, played by Sara, both dressed in a long apron, bandana, and granny shoes slowly move on stage, one carrying a bucket of beer - long necks - and the other carrying a platter of sandwiches for the men)
Louise: Curly (Alfred’s nickname), how about a bite to eat? I've got some sandwiches made of Busse's sausage.
Sally: And I got some cold Hudepohl.
Narrator: The scene closes with everyone sitting around drinking and eating, celebrating Alfred's birthday and another successful year on the farm.
All: (toasting) Das ist gut!! (Then have the audience join in to sing happy birthday to Dad, with the actors adding the usual second verse: May you live a hundred years, may you drink a thousand beers, so get plastered, you ba........d boy, happy birthday to you!!
The End
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